I Thought He was My Husband
When I entered the Christian blogosphere I realized I wasn’t the only one who had wrestled with this issue. Believing God had indentified who we were going to spend the rest of our lives with only to have it never come to be. On the one hand I felt so much relief realizing I’m not the only one who has been in this situation. On the other hand...so much grief. How did so many of us end up with this story?? How did we miss God COMPLETLY??
It started off with a break up. I was heartbroken. I hit the prayer closet for the first time...ever. And started praying for restoration and resurrection. I just could not accept that this was how this story was going to go down. It did not fit the way I had planned it in my mind. I wanted things to get restored really badly.And I was praying for it really boldly.
Signs and wonders followed which my newly saved mind interpreted to mean ONE thing (when in retrospect they were signaling me to a different truth-- different post for a different day). But at the time, it all “added up" and it just made sense. I had all the "spiritual proof". Journals full of what felt like confirmation. Externally it all seemed so clear to me and even to people walking with me in that season. It seemed so obvious to me that God was speaking that even when my desire changed, my prayers didn't. I actually became terrified that I had somehow stopped wanting what God wanted when I found myself no longer desiring him. I was in deep-- truly believing that God had spoken and was willing to stand in faith for what I believed was mine- even if I no longer wanted it.
But here is how I knew in the aftermath why he was not my husband and that while I thoughtI was hearing God...I was terribly wrong.
Two things were missing: the guy and the peace.
I understood that the arrival of “him” would be thefaithpart so the absence of him made logical sense and didn't frustrate me TOO much. The timing did not feel like an indicator that I was offat the time because many people in the bible waited YEARS for things. So it seemed like the natural course this journey would take. I was patient. So while I understood the faith part, I failed to understand the peace part. I could have faith in the waiting but what I didn't realize was that peace should've come INSTANTLY, even if the guy didn't.
I’m not sure one can really know peace until you FEEL peace. And I really tried to convince myself I had that peace. But that’s the thing about realshalom, it requires no convincing. It demands nothing. It’s steady and constant and immovable. There is no anxiety or pressure or stress in perfect peace. It is just there in an instant and it's just about unshakeable. God’s peace settles storms. Its so deep, so still, so internal. While our peace is like more like...convincing yourself you have peace.
I had everything on paper but I had no peace. I, of course, didn't know at the time I had no peace.But what I did know was that there was a tiny mustard seed size feeling in me that was crying out to be heard. Telling me “he ain’t it.” But so often when we want what we want so badly, we quench the spirits voice. We don’t even mean to.We believe it’s faith. We believe we are contending. We believe we are rebuking the enemy. We believe that voice is doubt and we have to shut it down to receive the promise.
Our hearts are often so pure but our efforts are so very off.
All we are doing is really shushing God. Telling the holy spirit to pipe down because we are on a MISSION. And so often, we are on our own mission and not God's. I learned the hard way how to figure that out. So hopefully you learn from me. With anything and a everyone- you should feel bone level peace. You will feel it in your “knower” and even if it takes a while and you get frustrated, you can always come back to knowing it was and is yours. Even if it seems impossible there will be something in You that just KNOWS. You have probably experienced in another aspect of your life. Maybe with a house, or a job, or an experience and eventually that 'knowing' was realized.
But if you are reading this and wondering if you KNOW, go back to the moment it first presented itself. How did you feel?When I was finally out of that season I was able to realize and admitthat I never had peace about him. I wanted to. I wanted to SO bad. He was an amazing guy and despite the promise of an amazing life... I KNEW he wasn’t myguy. I had that feeling that something just wasn't right and since we are going full blown honest here...I have had it with just about every guy I have dated from day ONE. It has always been there. Something in me was whispering to me in a confident, steady but quiet voice...he ain't it. I ignored it a hundred times before. And mostly with this guy. Because the truth is...
Being with him was as close to peace as I’d ever gotten but I quickly realized that 'close to peace' and 'peace' are worlds apart.
I will say it another way: what the people around you, the world, or society or whoever is telling you you SHOULDhave peace about can never equate to the bone-settling serenity that comes only from Yahweh.
I don't care how good it looks, how good it feels, how much the job pays or how bad you want it. If something in you is convicted by this post: DO NOT PURSUE IT. PLEASE.Spare yourself the heartbreak, the shame, the misery and the disappointment that always follows when we choose our will over His. He gave you the gift of the holy spirit so that you COULD know what is for you and what is not. I know, sometimes your knower goes off in the opposite direction of what you want and the thing looks so good and perfect for you. But please listen. At least acknowledge it. Because we serve a really GOOD God and He would never steer you wrong.
And maybe you are reading this and thinking you can relate on an all too personal level. Beloved- DON'T YOU DARE BE ASHAMED. Do NOT be ashamed. Learn.Ask God to help you discern His voice. Rebuke the enemy where he’s caused confusion. Ask God to helpyou fight your flesh and to help you desire what He desires. His mercies are new EVERY morning. Do not beat yourself up or live in condemnation & please...please forgive yourself. God isn’t holding this against you so neither should you.
We are not going to make it through this life without messing up. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to one hundred percent miss God sometimes. We can try to get it right all of the time but we will fail because we are human. It's okay though. I got it wrong this time. And for his sake and for mine- I am GLAD. I only want God's best for myself and for everyone- no matter the cost. I spent a lot of time praying for him and it truly grew my faith to watch God answer my petitions in his life even though he is not my husband. I know that God can use ANYTHING...even some desperate prayers from a broken-hearted girl. And I am grateful that nothing I did was in vain.
It was not easy healing from having heard God wrong or feeling like I wasted a ton of time. But grace has continually met me and covered me. I am grateful for every lesson learned during that confusing season. I am grateful for the spiritual gifts God birthed in me in during that time and for the commitment to prayer I was able to develop. It all worked out and is working out. And it will for you too.
Romans 8:8 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
1 Thessalonians 5:19 Do not quench the Spirit.